Frightened By Emotion: Exploring the Fear of Emotional Connections

Nature gifted us the ability to share emotions. Through multiple regions of our brain, we observe others, examine facial expressions, sounds and accompanying environments. We gather the data and make predictions about their experience, exciting our own neural networks, often firing neurons in concert with theirs—we share emotions. However, emotion is not equally accepted by all. For some, they are frightened by emotion. Experiences loaded with emotion is overwhelming and they flee.

We can be sad when we observe the sadness of a lover, resonating with their experience. We can feel the pangs of grief with a friend, even though the loss is not our own. Utilizing this incredible gift creates a connection. Biologically programmed with the hardware to share emotion, we can attune to others. Like all evolved system, there are a few bugs in the system, glitches that potentially damage attachment and spike feelings with intoxicants that blur visions and unsteady gaits.

Key Definition:

Frightening Emotions refers to the fear some individuals have with arousal. Many individuals are overly sensitive to any display of emotions, especially discomforting emotions such as sadness, anger, or fear.

Emotional Contagion

Emotional contagion is the phenomenon by which individuals can “catch” the emotions of others, either through direct interaction or even through observation. Basically, emotions can be transmitted from one person to another, much like a contagious virus. Sharing emotions in intimate relationships builds stronger bonds. However, sometimes emotions are frightening.

Absorbing a partner’s emotion is especially difficult if we already struggle with experiencing heightened arousal. Instead of bonding through validation of each other emotions, the absorbing of emotion frightens and drives a partner away. Our ability to share emotion begins early in life with our first exposures to emotional arousal.

See Emotional Contagion for more on this topic

Childhood and Emotions

Sharing emotions often drive us towards connection but for some, the emotionally aloof, the powerful emotions overwhelm. Childhood introduces youngsters to feelings—the pangs of want, desire and hurt. Children first experience emotion in their homes. These children experience emotions as frightening.

​Parents model feelings, give definition, and teach reaction. Many parents gently expose their children to the rich world of feeling, delighting in the aliveness while other parents crush a child’s developing sensitivities, confusing the babe and bewildering the juvenile with adult chaos. Love is mixed with tensions, kindness blended with requirements, and hate covered with smiles.

Martha and Don Rosenthal wrote that present events, “resembling childhood memories, stir up the embers of buried emotions, and individual experiences transference” (Rosenthal & Rosenthal, 2016). Emotional dynamite spreads quickly from one person to the next, sucking the conversation into the abyss of an emotional black hole.

Biological hardware that recognizes emotion has notable flaws. Complexity confuses our blessed ability to read and respond to emotion. Many of these children hopelessly falter in adult relationships; emotionally undeveloped, they blindly react to others’ emotions, hoping for connection, but remain awkwardly untrained in the complexities of connection. As adults, these children remain frightened by emotion, and experience anxiety in intimacy.

See Childhood Trauma for more on this topic

Mindful of Our Own Emotions First

To effectively connect with the emotions of others, we first must have a grasp on the emotions bubbling within ourselves. If we can comfortably work through our own emotions, soothing, accepting, and directing, we then can share emotions with others. When our emotions overwhelm, other’s emotions will also bewilder. We feel discomfort and seek escape. Momentary feelings of compassion for the pain of another quickly dissipates, replaced by frustration when we have no capacity to regulate emotional upheaval.

We can’t offer connectedness when all we know is detachment.

Compassionate Response to Other’s Emotions

Instead of being frightened by emotion, in compassion, we respond with warmth and strength. We comfort those that hurt. We wrap them in our arms, sharing the experience. And importantly, we feel their sadness and provide support during grief. Our compassionate behaviors validate the emotional experience of others.

This is difficult for those lacking emotional maturity. Sharing a discomforting emotion may intrude on comfort and security. Those in emotional turmoil are often unable to immediately respond, attending to our personal needs of belonging.

Frightened By Emotion

For the emotional immature, after providing superficial support, the discomforting emotion frustrates. The emotionally shallow seek escape if they are unable to quickly mollify someone else’s disrupting emotion. Almost in a panic, the demon inside screams, “I don’t know how to make you feel better!”

I’ve been here. Emotions scare the hell out of me. My first response to other’s expressions of emotions is to jump in and save them. Burnt into my soul is this automatic reaction to an underlying belief that discomforting emotions are bad. They are not.

Solving an emotion that doesn’t need to be solved is problematic. We poke the sore wound with our impatience. “You choose to be sad,” we quickly condemn. We condemn, not to help, but to soothe our own discomfort. We need escape.

Co-Dependent Responses to Other’s Emotions

In co-dependency, the response is different. The co-dependent take responsibility for the emotion. They feel driven to resolve and cure the sufferer. Accordingly, they feel guilty when others suffer. They place their liveliness on hold and seek to answer the unanswerable. Consequently, they fear that a partner’s sorrow or anger will deepen the distance between them and their partner.

The co-dependent seeks happiness by attempting to force important others to be happy. Their fears of rejection pull them into the dance of everybody’s drama, smiling, solving, and rescuing.

See Shared Emotions for more on this topic

The Blurred Line Between Compassion and Codependency

The line between compassionate empathy and demanding codependency is complex. Both involve connections and boundaries.

Our active minds constantly strain to define the line between ourselves and others. We don’t neatly fall into one camp or the other. We typically partake in blessings and curses from both healthy and unhealthy reactions to emotions.

Healthy relationships require mindful investigation, slowly moving back and forth to find a comfortable and healthy line, learning how to comfortably share a partner’s emotion without them suckering us into taking the responsibility to cure it.

See Entangled Relationships for more on this topic

The Narcissist and Other’s Emotions​

The narcissist moves the line refusing to feel the emotions at all—counter-dependency. They are completely indifferent to other’s feelings, as long as they serve the narcissist’s interest. The sadness of a partner becomes an exploitable opportunity for the pathological narcissist. The narcissist gladly provokes guilt, anger and self-hatred when it serves their needs.

Narcissists prioritize their own needs and desires above all else, viewing others primarily as tools to serve their own agenda.

This fear of emotions that closeness brings is an underlying trait in narcissist. The fear motivates a deliberate effort to avoid any emotional vulnerability or reliance on others. Moreover, to escape their own fears, they may actively provoke negative emotions in others, such as guilt, anger, or self-doubt, to control the situation and maintain their own sense of superiority and mastery over emotion instead of fear of them.

For example, a narcissistic partner might deliberately criticize or belittle their significant other, knowing it will elicit feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, thereby increasing their own sense of power and control. This behavior is a form of projection. They create a situation that manipulates a partner to experience the negative emotions that the counter dependent person unconsciously fears. This manipulative behavior serves to maintain the narcissist’s inflated self-image and reinforces their belief that they are superior and in control.

See Counter-Dependency for more on this topic

Associated Concepts

• Vulnerable Narcissism: This is a subtype of narcissism characterized by a fragile sense of self-worth and a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment. Individuals with vulnerable narcissism often crave admiration and validation from others but may also experience feelings of inadequacy and shame.
• Engulfment: This refers to a dynamic in relationships where one individual feels overwhelmed or suffocated by the other’s excessive attention, control, or dependency. This can lead to a loss of personal identity and autonomy, as the individual feels consumed by the relationship.
• Interdependence Theory: This concept is a cornerstone of social psychology, explores the interconnected nature of relationships and the mutual influence among individuals. It offers insights into different types of interdependence, impacting behavior, satisfaction, and well-being within relationships.
• Emotional Intimacy: This refers to the close emotional connection between individuals, characterized by trust, vulnerability, and the ability to openly share thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. It involves deep understanding and empathy, creating a sense of security and closeness in relationships.
• Belongingness: This refers to the human emotional need to be an accepted member of a group. This involves feeling valued, included, and connected to others. It encompasses the sense of being part of something larger than oneself and is an essential aspect of human psychological well-being.
• Relationship Security: This refers to the feeling of emotional safety and stability within a romantic relationship. It involves trust, commitment, effective communication, and the belief that one’s partner is reliable and supportive.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

The labyrinth of connection will always stymie those unfamiliar with the complexities. Poverty of connection in childhood is not a death sentence. We can develop skills of closeness in adulthood instead of being frightened by emotion we can experience the richness of emotion. With help from others, we can surround ourselves with emotionally intelligent friends and role models. Perhaps this takes time, not an overnight miracle, but with patience, we grow, learning to process our emotions and the emotions of others with kindness. This gift we have been given through evolution can be coupled with an equally important gift of learning. We, as we emotionally mature, can turn towards our children, giving them them blessing, our childhood deprived us of. Our interactions with our children will help them befriend their emotions.

Last Update: November 23, 2025

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References:

Rosenthal, Don; Rosenthal, Martha (2016). Learning To Love: From Conflict To Lasting Harmony. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 2nd edition. ISBN-10: 1523363274
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